After reading It’s Not You by Dr. Ramani Durvasula, there are so many good points I had to break this into a three part series. Part one, here, will go over general narcissistic traits. Part two will explore increasing narcissistic resistance (i.e. avoiding entering narcissistic relationships) and part three shares ideas for managing the impact of narcissism within relationships you plan to maintain. 

Dr. Ramani’s main point is to prepare us for situations involving narcissists so that we can act with kindness and integrity. This book would be useful for anyone wanting to feel a greater sense of self-respect and self-reliance generally, no matter who your counterpart in a situation is. These notes are not intended to further villainize our neighbors or friends, but to provide information and empowerment for healthier, calmer relationships, starting with our relationship with ourselves. 

The first point of narcissism/antagonism as a set of personality traits is that it comes from a lack of security and sense of inadequacy that leads to anxiety. The discomfort this anxiety provokes motivates a person to seek control through various maneuvers: 

• A Need for Narcissistic Supply (validation and admiration) 
• Egocentricism, paired with devaluation
• Consistent Inconsistency 
• Restlessness (pursuit of novelty and excitement)
• Delusional Grandiosity
• Shifting Masks 
• Entitlement (possibly the core pillar of narcissism) 
• Overcompensating for Insecurity (based on inaccurate, inflated and variable self-appraisal) 
• Being Thin-skinned (cycle of reactive sensitivity, desire for reassurance, shame of needing reassurance)
• Inability to Self-Regulate
• Need for Dominance (relationships exist for benefit and pleasure of the individual themselves only) 
• Lack of Empathy (to clarify: can have cognitive empathy in order to get what they want)
• Contempt for Others
• Projection of Shame (by shaming you about the “bad thing” they suspect you did, they no longer need to feel guilty about the “bad thing” they have actually done) 
• Being Incredibly Charming

These features need to be consistent and in high enough frequency to cause some sort of impairment. (Let’s be honest, depending on the day, we all probably check some of these boxes.)  Narcissism can also exist on a continuum, from the social media loving friend to the abusive partner, wrecking your life. 

There are also different types of narcissists, 

1. Grandiose – classic “charismatic, charming, attention-seeking, arrogant”
2. Vulnerable/Covert – “the victimized, anxious, socially awkward, sullen, broodingly angry, irritable, sad, and resentful”
3. Communal – find validation from the support of others, most likely to be cult leaders  
4. Self-righteous – “hypermoralistic, judgmental, coldly loyal, extremely rigid, and almost blanck-and-white in their worldview and belief systems” 
5. Neglectful – detached, lack of empathy, disregard for others, “above having to deal with human relationships.” Validation never comes from close relationships 
6. Malignant – exact revenge, dominate others; similar to psychopaths, but with more emotion (internal sense of anxiety, insecurity) 

As we conclude the first part of this three part series, the point of being aware of these things is to notice, track and start accepting them as parts of the dynamic with the person in front of you. They are not momentary, excusable behaviors you should hope to change through hard conversations. These are predictable, nearly permanent features you will need to adjust to, not expect adjustment of. All of this we will cover in the next two parts. 

If you are confused by any of this or want support figuring out how to assess your important person, reach out. I would love to talk.